All is Revealed!
Barring the way to the Murphy Press building were two large, burly men with arms the size of a horse. Darling stood before them, fishing her credentials from her jacket, fuming fiercely at their unwillingness to move.
“This is police business,” she said. “Step aside or—”
“Or what?” barked the left man.
“Or there’ll be trouble,” warned Darling.
“You ain’t the troubling sort,” said the right one.
Likely stepped forward, adjusting his hat.
“Perhaps not,” he said coyly. “But what about me?”
Both men laughed long and hard.
“Listen,” snapped Darling. “We need to see Mr Murphy this instant. There is someone trying to kill him!”
“And not just me!” added Likely.
“That ain’t a problem,” said the left man. “Not with the pencil-cock here, and not with no one else, neither.”
“Pencil-cock?” gasped Likely. “I’ll have you know that my cock is more akin to a mighty Oak!”
Darling stepped forward, close to the right man, and he raised his hand to strike. She took it in hers, caressed his gnarled fingers one by one.
“Let us in,” she said softly. “As a personal favour to me.”
“You were doin’ better with the police routine,” grunted the man. “Now get lost before I get physical.”
“Physical?” she said. “Let me tell you about physical.” The man stiffened, and his partner watched on, envious. “If you let us through, I will let you two strong men do anything you desire...anything. Even the Tibetan Love-Roast.”
“The… uh… what?”
“It’s very simple once you get the hang of it,” she said, a smile on her face. “You only need a short length of rope, and a pair of candles.”
“You… and…”
Darling ran a gentle hand along the cheek of the other man, pulled them closer to her.
“The details are best experienced, not spoken. But the three of us could explore so many options.”
The left man was quivering with excitement.
“If you let us in,” Darling added. “Once I’m done with Mr Murphy, I’ll be all yours.”
The two men exchanged anxious glances. The right one shrugged, scratched the back of his neck.
“Just for a little bit ain’t too bad, right?”
“Can’t hurt,” said the left one.
They stepped aside, letting her pass. Likely went first, and Darling followed up, blowing them kisses as she went.
When they were safely inside, Likely’s jaw dropped, a look of stunned pleasure on his face.
“You, dear, are quite the actress!” he gasped. “The ‘Tibetan Love-Roast’? Fabulous! How did you come up with such a brilliant and enticing notion on the spot?”
Darling stopped, raised an eyebrow to Likely.
“Who said I was acting?”
Likely’s knees went weak. “Egad!” he sighed.
Just then, Mr Murphy and a pair of assistants strolled through the foyer, deep in discussion. Darling raced after them, grabbing Murphy by the shoulder.
“Mr Murphy, sir!” she called. “You need to come with us, sir!”
Murphy turned, his brow furrowed, the bags under his eyes jiggling with concern.
“I’ve no time to leave,” he snapped. “There are papers to print! Who are you? How did you get in here?”
“I’m Inspector Darling, sir,” she said. “We have reason to believe your life is in danger. Your house exploded earlier tonight.”
“Did it?” said Murphy. “You were there?”
“Yes sir, we narrowly escaped.”
“Oh, excellent! And Gumbout interviewed you, I hope?”
Darling paused briefly.
“Yyyyyes…” she said. “Yes he did. Can I ask—”
“Who do you suspect is trying to kill me, Inspector?”
Darling looked around, checking for signs of feathers or fish. They were distinctly alone.
“That duck. The American.”
Murphy laughed a big, rolling laugh. The assistants began laughing too. Only Darling and Likely remained unamused.
“I say, sir,” said Likely. “It seems to me you’re holding something back. What do you know what we don’t—”
“Lord Likely, sir!” boomed Murphy. “I am so glad to make your acquaintance!” Likely allowed his hand to be shaken, but he did not seem at all pleased by the event. “I have been meaning to contact you, sir, about a special publication detailing the exploits of London’s most famous Casanova!”
Likely’s eyebrow raised ever so slightly. He absent-mindedly touched his moustache, stroking it gently.
“Go on,” he said.
“A series of adventures, published in my daily papers, with all the sordid details! I can have a man come by your estate to take dictation. ‘The Astonishing Adventures of Lord Likely’ ...It will be a block-buster, sir! A block-buster!”
“I must say, I do rather like the sound of that! And I cannot deny you have quite a way with words, too,” Likely mused, picking up a nearby proof of the Daily Times-Ledger’s evening edition. “’MURDER SUSPECT ARCHIMEDES KILLED IN ACCIDENT’”, Likely read. “’POLICE OFFICER AND FAMED FOP LORD LIKELY ALSO FOUND DEAD’. See? Powerful, evocative language, quite attention-grabbing and—” Likely paused, scanning the headline again. “Wait a moment… I fear you may need to double-check your sources, sir. I can assure you that we are quite, quite alive. None of this has happened at all!”
“Oh it has happened,” Murphy smirked. “It just hasn’t happened yet…”
“Oh. Oh!” exclaimed Likely, as the ha’penny dropped. “Buggeration! Why can’t I ever go into an office without someone wanting to kill me?”